Reshaping Identity: Life After Stroke

Hello, everybody. Welcome to Coffee Can't Fix Everything. This is a show where we talk about mental health.

00:50
over a cup of coffee today. I got the homie again. Everybody I meet is just the homie. But we've known each other for 2020. Way back. It's been a long time. Dr. Pat Ford. And man, you got a story to tell. I'm super excited about having you on.

01:14
So man, how you been though, man? How you been? I've been alright. I've been alright All right, there's a lot of life changes recently and a lot of good ways new stress But like it's good to have that and i'm sure we're gonna get into All like what that even means we're going to get into it. Yeah Because I can only imagine that new stress that you have Is a lot better than

01:42
the old stress that you had. Yeah. Tell, so for those that don't know, I know the story, but tell it man, tell us, you know, tell us about that old stress and why you're grateful for the new stress.

01:56
Yeah. So, um, I am 32 years old and in 2022, when I was 30 years old, I had a stroke. June on father's day of 2022, I was doing a workout for the nonprofit, um, project Onyx at the time. And, uh, I just got lightheaded during the workout. Nothing weird. We've all been lightheaded during a workout if we push really hard. Um, but this time it just didn't go away.

02:26
settling down I went back home rested and felt a little bit better but felt worse soon after that mmm just got worse and worse and worse overnight and then much of the ER the next day they immediately said that I was on stroke alert and the whole process started so it was like so fast in the mail

02:50
What's going on with me to you are you're having a stroke, right? Just like a normal day I know it's not like it's a workout that you

02:58
The intensity of the workout is something you haven't experienced before. It's like you were new to it. Like this was the world you lived in. Bro, I tell people the story all the time about my stroke and what happened. And I was doing a CrossFit workout at the time. And for those who don't know what CrossFit is, it's basically a mode of fitness that's more functional and higher intensity on the regular, but it's something that I'm used to. If you used to doing anything, it's fine for your body. And, uh, I tell them about that. And people are like,

03:28
Crossfit like that makes them worried about it. Maybe they know a son or a daughter or niece or whatever That does Crossfit and they like all of a sudden get worried about that person But it's like I'm just doing something I'm used to doing I've jumped into the cross the workouts before I've done that exact workout Right because it was a Juneteenth celebration workout. So we've done it before right and I Just had something I flipped the coin that day and it just landed

03:58
on how to live. That's okay. And your life was was changed after that. So walk me through where you were mentally that happened. And I saw the journey to see where you started to see where you're at now, bro is so cool. You know what I mean? But walk us walk me through. Okay, you know, you have a stroke, your life has changed, like

04:26
How were you dealing with that at the time?

04:29
So at the time, I'm a doctor of physical therapy. I was working part time in the clinic, about 24 hours a week, the rest of the time, I was like just spent on my other business, educating PTs about anti-racism, diversity, actually inclusion, stuff like that. So like my plan at the time was, transition away from my clinic role, and transition into my business, and then spatter of clinic stuff on the side. That was kind of like my trajectory of where I wanted to go.

04:59
just got interrupted at that time with a stroke that immediately changed my life. And so I got to sort through all these thoughts because immediately afterwards, a lot. Yeah. I wasn't afraid. I was like having my.

05:18
event, I actually, so what really happened was I had something called a dissection of my vertebral artery, basically an artery that goes up your neck into your brain stem and into your brain. And that dissection is basically an injury to the artery. The artery tried to lock up and heal with the clot, but the clot broke off and went up into my brain. So that's why at the time, like you're thinking maybe a PT would know that he's having a stroke. But I was having such

05:48
I wasn't like clocking it at the time. But they told me I was having a stroke. I was being admitted. My daughter was afraid because she was with us and she was really confused about being in the hospital. How old was your daughter at the time? She was turning three. Oh yeah, she's probably like, what in the world? Yeah. So it was really intense, but at the same time, I was in there, we got in so fast. And a lot of my concerns that I really had

06:18
which were like, how am I gonna pay for this? That was like one of the first things coming from a person that came from a home that didn't have money. Right. And upbringing that I didn't really have like health insurance and stuff like that. Yeah, which is so unfortunate. Really good health insurance now, but at the time.

06:37
My stroke, I didn't really know the details of our policy and stuff like that. So one of the first things that I asked my wife was like, are we going to pay for all the stuff that I know is coming? You know, like, yeah, she's like, we're covered.

06:50
Like we don't have to pay for the ER. We don't have to pay for the hospital. I stayed at a acute care rehab facility for a week and a half. Didn't have to pay for that. And that was like my biggest concern. Once you said that, I was like, all right, let's do this thing. That's when the work began to get back. So man, you know what? Let me take a step back and let that, and let this breathe a little bit because you brought up something that is so, something that I talk a lot about on my other healthy project.

07:20
which again I'm kind of in the same boat in the sense of is something catastrophic or something like that were to happen there wouldn't be that stress of how am I going to pay for it because I'm blessed to have great health insurance but there are a lot of people in our community that don't have that.

07:42
don't have insurance or trying to figure it out. And this can go into a whole nother conversation around insurance, it can go there, but I will say like, without going there, there is something, when I think about, you know, just my health in general, or health in general, there is a feeling of relief of like,

08:10
Hey, if something were to happen, I'll be okay. And I need to be more grateful about that because you can take it for granted. Yeah, for sure. You can take it for granted, at least in my opinion. And like, I don't want to do that because that can go away tomorrow. You know what I mean?

08:31
Well, that's like we were talking a little bit before this about gratitude. And that's basically the moment that a lot of that kicked in for me. Realizing my status going into it.

08:44
You know, when we got to the hospital that morning, it was like 8, 8.30 in the morning, not busy. I pretty much got straight back there and got straight admitted to the ER. Right. And while we're in there, it's getting more busy. And I hear the commotion that's happening while I'm like trying to recover. And I'm hearing other stroke alerts happening, like in that space, in the triage space. And I'm just like imagining like, what are the circumstances

09:14
that these other people are going through that like I have it so good in this moment as far as my ability to potentially recover from this that like I was like I'm so grateful for for that alone just because I know that the other people that are coming in here might have a different story might have a different story.

09:37
a person that's in their 70s or 80s, they might be a homeless person in our community that doesn't have the resources that I have available to me. Maybe it's somebody that's like me that has it for them, but I don't know, and part of that was like.

09:53
I was clocking that like my experience was one of privilege and I was really grateful for going into this position not having to worry about just my like access to health care and my coverage of it. Not to mention I'm young in my 30s. Yeah. I do CrossFit. You're already healthy. So I'm going in fit. I had no other health complications, no heart defects, no cholesterol, no hypertension,

10:22
why I would have a stroke in the first place or have one in the future. So my ability to be prepared for a stroke, what I tell a lot of people, especially in that moment, was like, and I genuinely believe this and this is a little cheesy and stuff, but I generally believe that if anybody was supposed to have a stroke that day, it was gonna be me.

10:49
Talk about explain that. Yeah, what does that mean? I think you know The work that we do the conversations that we have both of us center around of like a lot of access and opportunity and I Was discrediting the opportunity to recover from a catastrophic entry What that means for somebody's ability to do that?

11:14
You know, people can talk about the mental fortitude to get through something, having the resources around them, but being capable of overcoming it from a physical standpoint was different. And I was like, well, if somebody was gonna get a stroke that day.

11:32
Me being the person is not the worst thing because at least I know that there's a higher chance of me having success to recover from this thing. Okay, no, I get that, I get that. Did your mindset around life change after that moment?

11:55
I think it was more like as things were coming at me in life and as I was getting from the hospital to the rehab center realizing like, oh, this is that intense. Like this is, this is what my situation is right now. When I was in the hospital, I needed two physical therapists to help me stand up. And while I was in the incute.

12:18
acute care facility I was mostly being wheeled around on a wheelchair and I only stood when I was doing my rehab and I needed a walker I couldn't walk like I literally just my body wasn't listening to what I wanted it to do and there I could show you videos like I'm trying to just learn how to stop a guy. Yo I seen it and as I'm you know as you're posting your journey on IG.

12:46
in those platforms, all I could think to myself, Pat, was like, how do you go from doing a CrossFit workout to needing help to walk? That would, that could eat at somebody, right? Like the frustration you could have around that.

13:10
Again, being grateful to be alive and understanding that. Like, yes, I'm like, I can, everybody can say, I'm alive, I'm grateful to be alive. But still, it's like, you go from being in some of the best shape ever to needing a wheelchair just to get across the hall. That would be, that would be hard. That'd be hard to deal with. I'll be completely honest with you. The hardest part that I've...

13:40
dealt with where I've had more negative feelings than positive was more recently.

13:46
Really? Yeah. So I'll back up to the moment that I was in the acute care facility. So another part of me being the luckiest person to be in the situation was that I knew my outpatient PT was going to be the exact right person in all of Des Moines because I worked with her. She is a neuro-specific PT and part of her dissertation while she was going with the residency was

14:16
good hands you already knew it. So I invited her to my rehab center to shadow me and my current PT at the rehab center so that she can have that continuity of care and like know exactly what's going on with me and we could transfer that into like outpatient PT. So like I had all these things lined up. I was like I got this bro. The doctor was like a year you'll be feeling like mostly back to

14:45
Yeah, and I was like, okay, let's like let's make it happen I like left the rehab center and I went back home and I was doing workouts in my basement I was literally walking with my walker doing laps in my basement. I was doing squats out of this Out of the couch I was walking around the neighborhood with my cane like I was in it and I was like I'm I'm gonna make this happen and I Want to fast forward to kind of like the the present?

15:13
that like once the year hit for me, I was like feeling like, you know, if I'm walking around and if I'm like meeting up with you at that year mark in June of 2023, you probably wouldn't have noticed that I had a stroke.

15:31
Which is great. It's basically what the doctor told me, but I know that there are still effects. Oh, right. It was like, I'm not that person that I was before that person. I was doing CrossFit that day. Like I, I want, like I was really desiring to be that person. You have improved, but you're not the same. You're, you have to say, and part of my struggles with my identity that I am having to come into is understanding.

16:01
like that I am the same person but it's a new me it's a person that

16:10
But that has gone through a stroke, that has gone through the turmoil that comes with that. You know, after, you know, six months of having my stroke, I was laid off at my job. Like there's different things that came with my life since I had a stroke. And those were changes to my identity that I still try to adapt to. Trying to basically mourn.

16:36
the loss of a person to me. Like, like I am, and that's still something that I'm trying to work through is like, am I, have I mourned my loss? Like have I worked through that grief that comes with that?

16:53
And a lot of it was like maybe being protective at the first part where I was really grateful and I was really motivated and maybe delaying something that I needed to be working on. So more recently, since my stroke, I was like 200 pounds when I had my stroke. Relatively fit, pretty good shape. Now I'm like 50, 60 pounds heavier. And I'm like...

17:21
That's not me. Right. And part of that is like, I literally can't.

17:28
be the same person that was before. I can't just jump into something. I can't do a 30 minute workout on the fly. Like I have to plan my energy expenditure. And like now that I'm working full time, which is part of that new stress, it's like, oh, that's taken up energy for me. I have to be more diligent about my energy and what I can and cannot do. Just like any person that gets out of their sport and tries to come back to it 20 years later or whatever, it's like you can't do the same stuff that you did before.

17:58
Then you get frustrated and you get discouraged and you don't want to do it because it's not the same as it used to be. It's not the same. So it's this back and forth that I've been doing for months of like get back into fitness, discourage myself because I can't do it the way that I was before. I'm not making the success that I had. It's not coming as easy and simple to me. Right. My athleticism, this athletic version of me, like it doesn't exist right now. At least not physically, maybe mentally. Right.

18:27
Mentally, you're still athlete. I can't just jump into anything and just be like, no, this is how it gets done. Right. So that's been more of a struggle for me recently, is like understanding like this morph of my identity that I'm trying to adapt to. I can see that. I can see how that can be, it's a growth opportunity, but at the same time, it's like you're seeing a version of you

18:58
that you admired, like you loved that. Like there was a version of, I think we all go through this, there was a version of myself that like, man, if I was just that Corey again, right? That man, things would be so much better. Or man, I remember back in my day, I could do this, that and the third, but it's not that day. And coming to that and accepting that, I think accepting.

19:27
who you are and still being able to improve. I think as we get older, we can still improve. But to your point, I think the hardest thing to do is to accept that you're never gonna be what you were. That's a tough pill to swallow. But you're going through that now and you're going through that process.

19:56
What's your plan to get back to a better version of what you can be? Like have you kind of thought about that? Like you have the new job you get your physical therapist back full-time Getting back into the swing of things like well, there's this conversation is so huge because like so many Things and myself that I've thought of over this past year and a half plus of my recovery Going back to the wanting to be this previous version of me

20:24
I would be more understanding of myself if it was up to me.

20:32
that I was this way, right? Maybe I just got busy in life and I just got out of the habit of the thing. And just over time, you lose that skill just because you haven't catered to it. But like, I literally lost all that in a moment. Like it wasn't my choice. In a moment. It wasn't something that I could have prevented. I wasn't neglecting my health. Like it was just not my decision, but all those things disappeared from my life.

21:00
And on top of that, you know lost my job six months later. I was trying to make my side Joint into my full-time thing, but that wasn't working out. I just wasn't able to put as much bandwidth into it That I needed to make it a successful business and now it's just like okay I'm not able to serve my family. Mmm the way that I need to your manhood comes into

21:30
Oh part of that gratitude piece that we're talking about Yeah was at the time I was being mentored by somebody to start on my business and to grow it and that person made a go fund me for me and We were able to sustain my family for six months off of that go for that snow because I wasn't able to make money And that was like man. I just have I literally have everything that I need But that money eventually you ran out

21:58
I was trying to do my thing with my side business. I wasn't ready enough to get back into any type of clinic, even despite losing my job. You might think, just get a new job. But I was still six months off my stroke. Easier said than done. Oh.

22:14
And just I wasn't prepared to get back into that work. So, you know, get more and more pressure as time goes on. Right, you're paying for everything through credit cards and you're trying to like make things work. And part of me getting this job, which I started in September and I was doing a couple of different gigs at the same time, just trying to make money. Yeah, man, trying to get it best when you can.

22:40
And we just talked about this, like I just switched from that job three times a week last year. I just recently went up to full time, just like two weeks ago. And part of that was like, you know, in this moment, what I want is predictability.

22:57
Right. There's a lot of unpredictable things that my family has had to go through. Yo, that's so real. And then going through my stroke and all that stuff. Yeah. I just want to do something that serves my original passion of helping people. But more importantly to me, it's like my family comes before anything and I want to feel like I'm contributing to something rather than my wife just sitting there being understanding, being loving. Yeah.

23:27
Taking everything that's coming at us. It's like no, I I don't want you to have that stress anymore It's like now I'm just coming back into my identity as a PT And now I get to do it in a way at this new job where I can make a lot of the practice the way that I am passionate about helping people right if I want to help cost fitters or runners or Or the black community here in Des Moines. I can build that up from scratch Right now and that's like that's a big

23:57
piece of what I've wanted for a long time. So it's like, now's that opportunity to do that, to come into that part of my identity. The other piece that we've been talking about is my physical.

24:11
Identity. Yeah, right my fitness my my athleticism my ability to be an unrestricted dad like, you know what it's like Oh, no, no, it if my kid wants to wrestle. I'm ready Right, right if my kid wants to run in the yard to play soccer. I'm ready if you want to go for a bike ride That's like an hour long. I'm ready right and I Like I can't do that right now I can pick and choose and I could do a few things here right there and it's much better than it used to be

24:41
that part right if not for myself it's like I want to show up to my daughter as somebody that is always ready to do the thing and doesn't say no because they're not present right or they're not capable and because I know that I can still change and I can still make progress I'm putting it on myself like that that's what you have to get done outside of that it's like

25:11
And this is like, this is real deep with this stuff. Yeah, let's go with it. And I want to be as honest as I can be. About a week ago, I broke down to my wife. And she noticed that I was having a bad evening, and I wasn't really talking to her. She's like, what's going on? And I was like, I don't know. I don't know what's happening. And I was like, it can be.

25:39
distrust from work and it's not necessarily distrust from work, but I actually started to get a headache that day, which was reminiscent of the headaches I was getting from my stroke. I was like, I still am dealing with this, bro.

25:53
Like this is still here and that was compounding on on other stuff, right? Me feeling bad about my body and not feeling like I'm the same physical person that I used to be in. All these things were compounding and I was talking to her. This is literally just a week ago. And I was like, like, I just want to know why I don't love myself. Like, I just want to love myself. And I just want you and Elena, my daughter, to be enough.

26:22
Like that's what I want. I wanna get fit. I wanna do the things, but I was like, I just want to love myself right now. Right. And right now I don't. And that's like really heavy for me. That is heavy. How do you, man, first of all, I appreciate you saying that because one, I don't think you're, I know you're not the only one.

26:45
I think a lot of athletes go through that warning of that, man, this is what I used to be. And your sense of pride and love comes from your ability to do something. And then you're having to transition and try to find that somewhere else is hard. And you almost feel guilty. You almost feel like...

27:13
Why aren't my kids and my wife enough? Why can't I just be happy that I have a beautiful family and I'm healthy and I have this new, I'm still alive, but you still gotta be, there's this, I'm speaking for myself, like I feel like, and this is gonna sound.

27:37
awful and like yeah I love my kids I love my wife but like I still got my own goals and I still got my own things that I want to do and I still I still want to be I still want to be healthy not simply just to be there for my kids but also longevity be there for myself like we got to be there for ourselves too and if you're not happy with yourself that is going to your your family's going to see that so being one being able to

28:06
get that out to your wife or to even to a homie or something. I feel like it's so important. You know what I mean? Because the more you keep that in, what it was, this is snowball. What else is going to happen? Right. So the beautiful thing with that is one, you have somebody that you can talk to about that. And I think a lot of people, I think people need to hear that because. We go through life being like.

28:36
Just not express, especially men, bro, not expressing how we feel. Like it's okay to say you, you're not feeling it right now. You broke down. I, I'm, I'm glad that I have a group of friends. Like I say that too. Like, I feel like if I texted you said, man, I am, I cry. I'm going through it. You wouldn't be like, what you crying for? You know what I'm saying? Like, you know what I mean? Like that, what do you need? What exactly, exactly. What do you need? So I think.

29:06
May I really I respect that you're able to express that and Quite a lot of men's I a lot of men feel that way. Oh, and they don't have like this It doesn't come easy to me. Mm-hmm. I've been bottling that up for weeks, man And my wife is like, why are you not like I can only help you if you communicate with me and I'm like I understand that but also I'm reminded on the daily

29:34
That I'm still dealing with shit from my stroke? Yeah. And if I bring it out...

29:41
This is like another reminder. And it's not going away. So like part of me is maybe conservative on speaking to it. Yeah, like how much of it you bring up. It's already like a ton. But the fact of the matter is like whether this had the exact like domino effect is like I brought that out. And the next day I wasn't dealing with the inner turmoil. I still deal with that thought.

30:10
but it's not eating me up to the point where I'm not talking to my wife or my daughter, I'm not really wanting to interact with them. It was just that day that I was really, really doing that. But yeah, it's just like, one of those things was like, I need to lean on her more. I need to lean on my friends some more for that stuff. Yeah, man. That's a big deal. And for me,

30:40
This is like a whole nother conversation, but like, people talk about like, well, you know, if you know, it could be this basic, if you know you're unhealthy, and you have all the tools at your disposal, then why aren't you doing something about it?

30:56
Right. It's like there's a disconnect there because I'm a PT. Also I have my certified personal training certification. I also am cost of a certified. I've been strength and conditioning certified. I literally have all the knowledge that I need to get better in the world, to get bit, to get as best as I can. But there's something that's happening that stopped me from accessing those things.

31:21
from utilizing them, right? And something that I've told myself, at least in the short term, and I've told myself in the past and failed at doing this, was like, when something pops up, maybe it's a craving for a thing, whether it's a craving to rest and relax, it's like, you have a choice right now. You do have a choice. And...

31:48
You need to get better at making the choice that aligns with the things that are giving you the most grief, that fights against those things. Not just to be healthy. It's like, I know that overeating or not doing the workout that I said that I was gonna do at 6 p.m. elevates my grief, elevates my turmoil, elevates my depression. And...

32:17
failing to do those things, it's like I'm letting myself down. Right. And I'm a piece of shit and I can't do anything, whatever. Yeah. It's like, no, you, you.

32:26
have a choice and it's really hard to make that choice to overcome that thing that's telling you to stop at KC's and get the slice. Right. Or to like not do this workout because you're really tired, you have a full day of work tomorrow, whatever. It's like you have the ability to get up and shut up that voice and you could do it right now. That's not going to be the only solution you need and it's probably not going to work long term.

32:51
Because it doesn't for a lot of people, right? You need other tools to get you through that thing. But if you can clock that thought, you'd be like, you know, I'm having this thought and it's reaction to this thing. Mm hmm. I'm going to interrupt that right now. Right. Which is for the most, usually it's an emotional reaction to something. Right. We get in our emotions a lot, which I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that. But sometimes.

33:19
going back to your pizza slice situation, right? That Casey's Pizza be hitting sometimes. Yes. But what happens once you have that, that emotional response to want a pizza leads to an emotional response of how you feel about yourself. Exactly. And here I did it again. That's that grief piece, bro. Yeah, man. It's not even being, like, it is healthy, healthier decision.

33:41
to not eat that slice, right? But it's more unhealthy for me mentally. I wanna love myself. That's stopping me from doing that in part. And these micro transactions that I make with myself are accumulating over time. Then I'm getting debt from those decisions that I'm making that are leading to me having grief and depression and anxiety about these situations. It's like, do your best.

34:10
that you can to make the choice that is going to be better for you. Mmm. Right? Pat, with that, man, I'm gonna leave it there.

34:19
That was that was amazing. We could talk for probably a whole nother hour. Yeah, but I'm grateful to have The slowdown as a partner for this podcast and they probably kick us out But Pat, thank you so much for being on the podcast For anybody listening that wants to connect with you learn more about your story. Just just just chop it up Where can they find you? Yeah, so you can send me an email if you want pat ford dot

34:49
Or you can hit me up on Instagram, the inclusive clinician on Instagram, all one word. You hit me up there. Awesome. Man, that's what I appreciate you brother so much. Yeah, you too. Everybody. Thank you for listening to coffee can't fix everything. Now this is just a podcast. I'm not a therapist. I don't think Pat's therapy. He's a physical therapist, but not a mental therapist. There's support out there. Please.

35:18
988 if you if you need it Let's heal together get the help that you need and deserve, you know coffee can't fix everything But we are going to have a conversation and to stick de-stigmatize that mental health one conversation at a time I’ll holla at you next time