Finding Identity and Purpose in Service

00:26
Hello everybody, welcome to Coffee Can't Fix Everything. This is the podcast where we talk about mental health over a cup of coffee. Today I got the homie, super artistic, loving the vibe. I've always loved your vibe, dog. It's been so cool. Mr. Austin Neal, Austin, thank you so much for being here, man. Absolutely, man, it's a good time. It's a good spot to do it, so I'm happy to be here. Yeah, so I know when you reached out to me when we were doing this second season,

00:56
wanting to talk about mental health from the aspect of our youth. Yeah. Which I think is so important. Talk a little bit about like what is your, what are you seeing? How are you involved with the youth? Tell me about that. What are you seeing? Yeah man, it's um, so yes I've been involved with the youth for a while now. I want to say probably roughly, roughly since about 2016-2017 I've been

01:26
My mom, she actually used to run her own in-home daycare for most of my life. So growing up, there was always seven or eight other kids around me. And so I think my affinity for serving the youth or serving others besides myself grew from that. But roughly about 2016, 2017 era, I was kind of lost, to be honest, trying to figure out who I was, who my identity was placed in.

01:56
in the world or in Christ or myself or baseball at the time. And when I placed a lot of my identity in baseball throughout my high school and middle school career, but I got sick and we were just talking about this a little bit ago, but I eventually got sick with ulcerative colitis and had to quit baseball altogether. And so when that happened, I was like, well, who am I? You know? Yo, man. And I did a lot of soul searching and a lot of conversation.

02:25
with my parents and just friends around me, people I trusted. And at the time, you know, we grew up in church and everything, but at the time I kind of walked away from it. I wasn't really clicking with God and clicking with church and all that. But my mom, she was like, well...

02:42
You know, you've tried everything at this point. Let's just talk to a pastor and see what he says. I don't want to talk to any pastor, but okay. So I ended up talking to Pastor Jeremy out in West Des Moines, Luther Church of Hope. And he gave me some really good insight that I've never forgotten. I still remember to this day. And that really was, you know, try serving others before yourself. And I'm like, okay, what? Let's see. What are you talking about? You know? He's like, well, have you ever thought about serving youth

03:12
homeless or serving serving really anybody outside of your circle of people or people that you know already So like what no, of course, I've never really thought of that, you know Because I've always been I've always been taught or told You know, you kind of have to you got to work on yourself first And make sure you're 100% and go out and do what you got to do And I think there is some validity to that stuff But I also do think that through serving you can you find yourself and you find who you really are meant to be

03:42
you know, it's we look at Jesus and he serves like crazy. He's the ultimate servant, you know, but then he's got people around him that also serve and because of that they're a team and they're working together for the betterment of the world, you know what I mean? Right. And so...

04:01
Yeah, so I met with him and it was like, okay, whatever, I'll try it, you know, try whatever at this point too. And so he got me plugged in with a different, couple of different areas. And one of those is called the landing out in West Des Moines at Lutheran Church of Hope as well. And that is basically a recovery program for ages 13 to 18. So middle schoolers to high schoolers. And I've been doing that for probably about seven years now coming up on six or seven years.

04:30
a full-time or slash part-time volunteer but we've been doing we meet every single week you know new groups of kids a lot of times you know based on the school calendar so we got kids that graduate and move away but we have a lot of kids that stay with us through their entire high school career so and then a lot of times some of them come back and and lead as well but what that's really focuses on it's obviously the betterment of them and you know we

05:00
coming in from struggling with drugs, struggling with alcohol, struggling with abuse, trauma. I mean, you name it. We probably have a kid that has struggled with that. But a lot of them, they're going through the rehab, they're going through trying to get better and they're lost a little bit. I mean, I would be. Yeah, absolutely. It's heavy to take on as middle school and high school age.

05:30
They're different family dynamics too, can play a lot into that. But a lot of them are focused on the tangible. And so they're like, okay, I've been sober for two weeks and that's the longest I've been out, been sober. Or I've been sober for a day, you know, and that's as long as they can go.

05:52
But what we'd like to do at the landing is, okay, let's cut a few layers back, you know? What's beneath all of that trauma? What's beneath all that hurt? What's beneath the struggle with alcohol, the struggle with drugs or whatever? And it's really...

06:07
It's a really good process to find out who they are again. You know, self-identification is huge. And, you know, obviously it's in a church, but we don't push God. And a lot of them don't believe in God even still. But we're going to preach preach what the Bible says. And if they make a connection, like, you know, let me let me try out God for a little bit. And then so be it, you know, but if they don't, then so be it. But main goal is to help them get to where they want to be

06:37
be and to be healthy, you know, and to not have to rely on drugs or alcohol or a myriad of things, you know.

06:47
I've been doing that for about seven years to answer that question and long-winded. But doing that helped out in the homeless scene as well with the Joppa. And so they have been with them for probably about the same amount of time, about seven years, maybe eight years coming up now. And then I worked at Hyatt Middle School for a while as well with the Boys and Girls Club. So we did a lot of work there.

07:17
That was mainly programs, programming and after school and summer stuff. But again, there was a lot of conversations, a lot of the kids are hurting. I think we had about 70 to 80 percent of our kids were living in poverty at the time. And so with that comes trauma.

07:38
You know, they gotta be the man of the house at 13, 14 years old. Yeah. Or they're raising their two other siblings or their mom or dad or whoever's at work. So, and then they gotta come in for after school programming and be like, okay with everything. And be okay with it. You said a few things I wanted to touch on. Yeah. One, your story is so similar to mine and a lot of people that I know.

08:02
who were athletes at some point. Once it stops, it's like, who am I? I was insane with basketball, bro. I was like, I don't know. When I'm not playing ball and you go back home and people are just assuming, like you still playing, you're not playing ball? And you're like, you have no identity. That's what your identity was. I wasn't Cory, I was a Hooper. You know what I mean? And then when you don't have that, it's like, it's so fun. It's not funny,

08:32
interesting to see that the patterns are so similar to where you're athlete, you lose your identity, then you go down and like you gotta find yourself through this darkness to get back to where you find like your new identity. And you also said something about, you were talking about these kids who are dealing with trauma and having to act like everything's okay in front of people. Yeah.

09:02
type of youth where you know there's some trauma, you know there's some things, but you want them to be open and honest, but you know there's a fine line. How do you approach that situation? Man, I mean, every situation is different, but a lot of the situations are very similar in the same breath, you know?

09:23
And honestly, an easy answer to that, just love them well and hear them, not just hear them, but listen to them. Because honestly, that's kind of the root of a lot of it is they don't have anybody to listen to them, and hear them and hear their needs and hear their wants and be there with them and for them.

09:48
I've had multiple conversations with kids at the school. And that was, you know, they're just broken down in tears. And I'm like, what's going on? And they're like, well, it's a minor, inconvenient situation, whatever it was, you know. And I'm like, that has you this upset that you're in tears. And they're like, yeah, I just, I don't know why, but it's such a small, minor thing to my eyes. But to them, it's the biggest thing in the world.

10:18
You know? And so in that moment, it's how can I be there for that student or that youth, you know? And really, I just need to love them in this moment and sit there with them, listen to them, let them get some things out. You know, I've had kids cuss me out. I'm like, get it out, man. Like, if it's not me, it's gonna be a teacher and they're gonna get you in trouble, you know? That's real. Yeah, so get it out to me, because I'm listening to it, I'm taking to it. Yeah, because you know, they're not cussing you out. Yeah. There's so much built up frustration

10:48
sadness that they got to get it out somehow. Yeah. It's almost you feel like you're their same space. Like hey, now I'm the same. Like you can look it out with me. Well, it's 100% it because I wish I had that when I was their age, you know what I mean? Which I'm sure I did, but I wasn't privy to it, you know? And I have my parents, of course, but there's also things that I didn't want to tell my parents at the time. Yeah. Same thing with the students that I've worked with is they got their parents, they got teachers, but they don't want to tell this authoritative figure in their life that what's

11:18
going on. They'd rather tell somebody else that they still trust, but they know that they're not going to get in trouble or be looked at differently from the way they're feeling and going through their emotions. I told the kids all the time, I still tell them, I told them last week. I love to cry. I'm such a crier at anything. I could be thinking about, I think about my wife sometimes and I'm just like, wow, I'm tearing up and just

11:48
and all the things she does for me or it's a serious thing where it's I'm feeling so sick and I'm so at my wits end at the moment and it's my tears are real you know. And I tell them this and I think that creates a, what am I trying to say, it's

12:09
It drops down a barrier maybe that they've put up. You're like, well, you're an adult, quote unquote. You have emotions maybe, but you never express them, or whatever. And so I'm already taking that down. Like, look, I cry all the time. I get upset all the time. I have emotions. And emotions aren't necessarily a bad thing. It depends how you're gonna react to them. We taught the kids what's the difference between reaction or reacting.

12:39
responding and it was a really cool conversation because it opened up that door of you know, what are you what are we responsive before and They're like, well

12:50
I guess we're responsible for the way that we react, right? 100%. You know? Like, we're responsible for our own emotions. We can't be responsible for somebody else's emotions. So if you're upset at somebody, how are you going to be in this moment? How are you going to react? Are you going to start throwing punches or are you going to go up to them, hey, so and so, this really hurt my feelings. Can we talk about it? Right. You know, and it was really cool to see a lot of that maturity in these middle schoolers, you know, blossom.

13:19
got to be able to become in touch with who they are, but also their emotions and their more sensitive side of things. So it's really cool to see them break their own barriers down and act in such a mature way. Right. How long does that take for...

13:42
Because when I think of myself in middle school or even my own middle school, I would have to like torture them to get anything, anything. How was school? Good. What did you do? Math. You know? One word. So to get them to say how they feel, I can only imagine what that would take. Sometimes it would have to get to like a certain point where they would like just, you know, have no other choice but to express their feelings. What is that process like?

14:12
I know it feels good, but what is that process like? In the beginning, when you're first seeing them and there's kind of that force field or that they're on the defensive, right? But how long does that take for them to finally start to chip away and to really express themselves? Honestly, it's really different from each student. At least what I've seen. I think, again, the biggest thing goes back to that last question is, how do I approach them? I have to love them first before any.

14:42
but more not more importantly but in the same stroke as as

14:48
you know, building that relationship and loving them well is I need them to be able to trust me just as much as I need to be able to trust them. And so there's different things I've done in the past, you know, to build that trust. For example, with the student that we all kind of struggled with, it was how do we as a team, how do we kind of draw this student

15:16
to trust us more, you know? And again, it was just like, I had to be there for them and be there with them. And so anyways, we actually ended up going to...

15:26
a food pantry and volunteering with the kids. We took about maybe a group of 10 or 15 of them and this one student was with us and they were struggling a little bit, being there and kind of messing with their friends and whatnot, but you know, it's again, I need to be there for them. So what I did was kind of like, hey, why don't you hang out with me today and help me out because I don't really know how to do this and you've been here before and you've done this before. They're like.

15:54
you can figure it out, you know how to do it. I'm like, no, I really don't, I need your help, help me figure this out. And so they finally gave in and they're like, okay, whatever, I'll help you out. And they did and we had a lot of fun, and we made it fun, but we also, we got the job done and I learned a lot and he learned a lot maybe, but going forward from that, we trusted each other in a different way that he didn't trust the other people. And so he would come to me first to tell me what was going on or he's like, hey, Austin,

16:24
or I'm really mad at so and so, can you not put us together in rooms? I'm like, thanks for telling me, absolutely. So yeah, as far as how long does it take? I don't know, it could be a conversation where it's instant or it's multiple conversations or it's multiple interactions or multiple weeks or multiple months. I still have students that I think about

16:54
they trust me but that relationship is still there. You know, it's still building every single day or every single time I see them. So it could be as quick as a day or a conversation but it could also take months. It could also take years too. Do you ever find yourself telling a kid something?

17:15
or like teaching them a lesson and then being like, ooh, I should probably take that advice myself. Oh, yeah, yeah, 100%, almost every time, you know? Yes. Especially with the students that we deal with at like the recovery age, or the recovery stage, I should say. You know, they...

17:36
It's tough because I've never struggled with drugs or alcohol, for example. That's kind of a lot of what our students struggle with. However, I have family members or even some friends that do still struggle with those things. And so my perspective is kind of from the outside. But it's at a different angle that they might be expected from me. You know what I mean? Because if I come in and I'm like, I've struggled with drugs, alcohol,

18:06
and whatever, you know, and they also have struggled with that. They instantly, there's a connection there. But if I say, yeah, I don't really struggle with any of that, but I have my own struggles or I struggle with my health or, you know, fill in the blank, that connection might not be as instant as it would have been if I shared that same struggle, you know? And so, but if I phrased it in a way of...

18:30
I don't know where you're coming from. I have no idea what it's like to struggle with, you know, XYZ or drugs or alcohol, whatever. However, I do know what it is like to struggle with my own struggle. But even further, I do know what it feels like to be on the outside having a family member or having a friend that does struggle with that. And so I can give that perspective instead of at the recovery perspective. You know, so it's...

18:58
I think it's a perspective that they don't expect most of the time, but it's also a perspective I don't think that they've received most of the time, because it's usually people that have never struggled with.

19:12
I don't want to say anything, but with drugs, alcohol, you know, with their struggle, it's either those conversations with those people or it's conversations with people that are the professionals or therapists or counselors or anything like that, that have also never struggled with what they're struggling with.

19:29
but put them in a group of people that struggle with the same thing. They were bouncing ideas off each other, like, well this is what worked for me, this is what didn't work for me. A lot of times, a lot of these conversations I have with these groups of students is me really just sitting back and letting them go. You know, and it's... I might facilitate a question here or there, but they just take it and they're like, well this works really well for me. Which is important to be able to do that. Absolutely.

19:59
Because at the end of the day they're responsible for their own recovery and they're responsible for their own mental health and and and health overall, you know I'm just there as a tool for them if they need so yeah, do you ever find yourself? Is it hard to? separate

20:18
their trauma and not take it home with you? Man, yes, absolutely. Especially when I first started out too, that was really the biggest struggle for me, was how do I, like these kids come with some heavy stuff, you know, as Pastor Brown says, heavy like a Chevy, you know. They do, they got some things to go, that they're going through. When I first started, it was, yeah, that separation was really hard, but it's also really crucial because

20:47
I was taken home every week with this recovery program. These kids are struggling with anything from gang violence to drugs, alcohol, abuse by a parent. We've had kids that have struggled with witnessing murder. It's huge things. Nobody should really go through that. But let alone a 13, 18 year old dealing with that. That's huge.

21:17
you know? And so for me, it was like, yeah, I was taking it home every single week. It was like, I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know the separation. I don't know. So I had to talk with a lot of people and be like, how do you guys do this? You know, you've been doing it longer than me. How do you not take things home? And a lot of really what it was is, you know, they would have these conversations in the place, in the time span that we allocated for.

21:45
and they made it a rule to kind of leave it there, you know, and not take it home. It's easier said than done. Easier said than done, yeah. But for me, what ended up really was helping, it was a lot of prayer. Like we do a cleansing prayer every week with this recovery program, again, because a lot of these kids come in with some heavy stuff.

22:09
you know whether it's you want to call it demonic or not but it's tough you know we've got kids that have claimed to see like demons and like the devil and like dark stuff man. Really? Yeah it's crazy but and a lot of them you know whether it's they're coming off drugs or alcohol and they see these things or you know whether it's just an imbalance in their brains going on it's it's still pretty real and we gotta we gotta deal with it as

22:39
as real as it is, as you know. Yeah. So because of that, we kind of like, we got our, it's like our protection plan, you know, it's our cleansing prayer every week, then kind of just cleanses our souls, cleanses our minds and our spirits. And you know, really essentially what it does is leaves everything at the foot of the cross and be like, okay, Jesus, this is for you to deal with now. We've done our part, this is on you. And you've already known what's going on anyways. So we'd leave it at the foot of the cross

23:09
and he does every time, you know, so that's really helped me at least separate it from my brain to Jesus, you know what I mean? So that's been crucial. Man, I can only imagine some of the stories that you've been told. Some of the...

23:32
have there been any kind of sketchy situations that you've been in? Before I ask that question, I have another question I've been dying to ask you two, and it's around mentorship.

23:45
We hear a lot of youth talk about, we understand, not here, but a lot of the conversation is there are a lot of our kids that are struggling with mental health, have traumatic backgrounds and experiences, but where are the people to serve these kids? Has this been something that you've experienced with the organizations that you work with, like not having enough people?

24:15
to support them and if so how are you guys how are you working through that? What are your thoughts on on mentorship and being there for you? Yeah I think short answer is yes like it is hard to find people but also another short answer no you know it's like there are people there that are available I think it's

24:44
I don't want to say the right people, but people that are equipped. You could place anybody in what we do week in, week out.

24:58
I think the biggest thing, the biggest reason why it is successful, why it is what it is, is because of the relational equity that we have with these students. And so anytime, because there are new volunteers that come in, so every time we have a new volunteer or a new face even, they're just checking out for the night and not ever going to be there again. Even then with a lot of new people, all the kids are like...

25:25
Who's that? What's their story? Or like, I don't know, we'll ask them. I haven't even talked to them yet. Go talk to them. But they're very cautious with who they are around and who they tell things to, especially traumatic experiences. So again, it goes back to that trust and relational equity. And when I first started, I didn't know any of the students. And

25:56
I felt like, you know, in imposter studio, I'm like, I shouldn't be here. I don't struggle with any of these things that these kids deal with, you know? Oh, yeah. And so going into that was like, it was hard for me, but I just hung out with them and got to know them.

26:12
kept showing up and that's another huge thing is consistency is key you know what I mean like we hear it all the time and as cliche as it sounds it's so true especially in a kid's life. A lot of our kids struggle with abandonment issues too and you know it's they could be like I said earlier like kind of the man of the house at that point in life or.

26:35
you know, mom left, dad left, grandma left, grandpa left, or whoever left, and that has a traumatic factor on their life, and so they're playing growing up at 13, 14, 15, you know? Right. And so, I don't know, to go back to the people coming in, it's never a question of enough people, it's a question of who's right, who's the fit, who's the right fit, you know, because we've had...

27:03
several people come in and never show up again and it's like well how can you expect to go anywhere with it? You know what I mean? It's like anything in life, like a job. You can't show up one day and be like well that wasn't for me. And then you're gone the next. I mean I'm sure people do it but you know you gotta be there. You gotta be consistent.

27:25
the kids are the quickest to call them out for it. You know, they know as soon as they walk in, they're like, man, they're not gonna be back next week. I hope they're back, but they're not gonna be back. You know, so they're real quick about it. But yeah, I mean, like the mentorship part, it's again, it's all in the same breath. It's, I think that comes along with...

27:51
with facilitating a lot of these conversations and facilitating group conversations, but also a one-on-one conversation. Again, I'm gonna sound like a broken record, but the trust, I can't begin to be a mentor if they don't trust me. That's the big part. Yeah, so, but through all the things I've done, volunteer or work related with youth, it's been...

28:21
I've never gone into a situation or group or a conversation.

28:28
And my initial thought was, OK, how can I be a mentor to this student? Right. You know, it was never that. It was, what do they need from me that I know I have, that I can easily give, and that's easily attainable for them to receive? Because if I have, if I tell them, yeah, I've been doing this for years, I have this, I have this, I have this accolade, whatever it is, and they're like, OK, and? You know, I don't care.

28:58
going to be here for me consistently? Are you going to care what I have to say? And are you going to help me get better? Those are kind of the three overarching questions that a lot of the students have. A lot of the same questions are those. And so I could be with a student for three or four years, and then at the end develop a mentor relationship. But it usually very rarely starts out that way. Right.

29:27
Unless if that's like my main objective in a conversation or group setting is, okay, I'm going into this room knowing that I'm probably gonna be a mentor to one or two or three students. I'll give you an example, like I was volunteered at our church at Hope Elam with Ignition and this high school group, you know, so they're

29:54
ages probably like 15 to 16, 17, 18. But going into that, it was, OK, I know I'm going to be a mentor now in this group because I knew some of the guys initially, but a lot of them I didn't know. But I was kind of.

30:12
I'll say recruited, you know, as kind of that mentor because I've worked with students that age before. And so going into that setting, it was...

30:25
It was different because it wasn't going into a recovery setting where it was like, I know these students are hurting. I don't know they're trying to recover. I know they're trying to get better from something. Instead it was, okay, I know they're probably still hurting. You know, they're still students and still dealing with some heavy stuff. But it wasn't necessarily from a recovery aspect. It was from like a youth group aspect, you know, and like a life group aspect. And so now it was like, okay, I'm coming in.

30:54
and I'm several years removed from high school now. So how can I play as mentor to these high schoolers now? And what advice, what could I possibly give them right now in this moment that they can take for free? So going into that, it was mentorship, but nine times out of 10, it's never going into as, I'm gonna be a mentor, how could I be a mentor? What ways, what steps do I need to take to be a mentor? It was always, how can I be here for these kids in this moment?

31:24
You know, so, and if it ends up developing into a mentorship, then so be it, and I'm happy to do that and be there for them that way, but if they just need me to listen every week, then I'll just be there as a listener, you know? No, absolutely. So, you know, Austin, before I get you outta here, man, be mindful of your time. Yeah. What do you do to...

31:47
manage your mental health? What is something, just one thing, what's that one thing that you, that's your go-to to keep you in line and focus on that? So that's a good question because the idea of mental health is relatively new, at least taking care of it, it's relatively new. So I was going to therapy for a little bit and it was my first experience with therapy. This was probably three years ago now.

32:17
My first experience with it, and I was going into it, you know, I'm not.

32:20
I don't have a clear objective, you know, but I know this is therapy is a good thing for people and I want to be involved with it. So it's going on a few times and then I went one session and my therapist actually fell asleep on me. Like mid conversation, I'm telling him something, bro, he's sitting in this comfy chair, just uh-huh, just nodding off. Like mad disrespect. I'm like, okay, I'm just going to stop talking. So I stopped talking and I left and I'm like, if that's what therapy is, I don't want to

32:50
to do it now, you know, but like I know that's not, that's not fair to put it all in the same pool, you know, and nor do I want to, but that was my last experience with therapy and so it's like I know I want to get back into it, but it was such a bad experience. I'm like.

33:10
I don't know if that was for me, man, but recently I heard it's a good thing to shop around and find a counselor and find a therapist. So I just need to get back into it. But fast forward, I find a lot of comfort. Find a lot of...

33:27
peace and prayer, obviously, and whether that's just like a 10-minute prayer or a 10-second prayer or an hour prayer, you know, it's just spending time with God and being like, all right, man, I just went through a heavy week. Like, here's everything, you know, what do I do with it? But on top of that, you know, prayer is a good thing. Talking to God is a really good thing.

33:52
At least for me, I need something tangible in the moment a lot of times. And so, honestly, I just go to my wife and give her a lot of things. And she's a great sounding board. I'm a sounding board for all of her things, too. So we do that. You know, I'm a huge...

34:09
I'm huge into cycling and so that's that's another thing what I do for my mental is just I mean I can zone out for five six hours go for 80 70 miles and zone out and just like just unload, you know, and just yeah I'm getting getting fit into it as well, but also I get my brain fit, you know, this is like I'm like, I'm either having conversations with myself or having conversations with God in the moment or just kind of being like

34:37
just shutting off my mind and not even thinking for five hours, you know, and going out in the middle of Iowa and middle of nowhere. And just kind of like, it's like my way of disassociating a little bit, you know, and kind of checking out. And then I get back and it's like regular schedule program and still going, you know. But now I'm more, I've got much more of a clear conscious and I'm like, okay, now I can go tackle what I got to tackle and take care of what I got to take care of. So those are definitely the things.

35:07
the couple things I do right now to take care of that. That's for real. Well, Austin, thank you so much. And thank you. It's a good time. For being here with me today. Everybody, thank you for joining Coffee Can't Fix Everything. Please head over to coff sign up for the newsletter. If you're experiencing any mental health concerns, please seek help. We want you to be well. Take care.

35:36
Alright cool, man

35:49
Awesome man, that was good.

35:54
This is still good, perfect.